“Are you winning at life?” she asked.

“My marriage has broken down, I'm thirty-seven and bald, and my net worth is negative five thousand euros,” he replied.

“That sounds like you're a perfectly functional adult,” she observed.

“Oh, absolutely,” he said, “but it doesn't mean I'm winning at life. I haven't taken a scalpel to my carotids yet, that's probably the most positive aspect of my life at the moment. Continuing to perfuse my peripheries! Glasgow coma scale fifteen out of fifteen! Not covering the wall in arterial blood!”

“Is the Glasgow coma scale anything like the Bristol stool scale?” she inquired.

“Well, yes,” he replied, “in that it's used by doctors and it's a number.”

Posted on 2018-10-13
Tags: umismu

“Now that I'm 50 and within range of medical disaster, any ideas for a comfortable suicide?” he said. “Leading candidates are sleeping pills or car exhaust. I tried to enlist my kids to do it but they can't, so I guess I have to do it myself if necessary.”

“A large plastic bag over the head supposedly puts you into a dreamy, pleasant stupor before it kills you,” she replied, “or any CO₂ replacement would work. Also an opioid overdose is probably nice.”

Posted on 2018-10-08
Tags: umismu

Sheena plodded down the stairs barefoot, her shiny bunions glinting in the cheap fluorescent light. “My boobs hurt,” she announced.

“That happens every month,” mumbled Luke, not looking up from his newspaper.

“It does not!” she retorted. “I think I'm perimenopausal.”

“At age 29?” he asked skeptically.

“Don't mansplain perimenopause to me!” she shouted.

“Okay,” he said, putting down the paper and walking over to embrace her.

“My boobs hurt,” she whispered.

Posted on 2018-09-16
Tags: mintings

Several months ago a Google employee told me not to panic about the removal of XUL because Firefox had probably mainlined the functionality I need from my ossified xul-ext packages. This appears to have been wildly inaccurate.

Antoine and Paul appear to have looked into such matters and I am not filled with optimism.

In preparation of the impending doom that is a firefox migration to buster, I have finally ditched RequestPolicy by turning uBlock Origin up to 11.

This means that I am only colossally screwed by a lack of replacements for Pentadactyl and Cookie Monster.

It appears that Waterfox is not in Debian so I cannot try that out.

Posted on 2018-09-09
Tags: bamamba
f 0   =  1.5875
f 0.5 =  1.5875
f 1   =  3.175
f 2   =  6.35
f 3   =  9.525
f 4   = 12.7
f 5   = 15.875
f 6   = 19.05
f 7   = 22.225
f 8   = 25.4
f 9   = 28.575
f 10  = 31.75
Posted on 2018-07-06
Tags: barks

We assembled at the rally point on the wrong side of the tracks. When consensus was achieved, we began our march to the Candy Kingdom. Before we had made it even a single kilometer, a man began yelling at us.

„It's not here,” he exclaimed. “It's that way.”

This seemed incredible. It became apparent that, despite his fedora, he was probably the King of Ooo.

Nevertheless, we followed him in the direction he indicated. He did not offer us space in his vehicle, but we managed to catch up eventually.

„It's to the right of the cafe. Look for сиська,” he announced.

It occurred to me that the only sign I had seen that said сиська was right by where he had intercepted us. It also occurred to me that the cafe had three sides, and “right” was rather ambiguous.

There was much confusion until the Banana Man showed up.

Posted on 2018-06-17
Tags: mintings

“We will have to leave this planet,” he said, according to Geek Wire. “We’re going to leave it, and it’s going to make this planet better.”

“I wonder who ‘we’ is,” she said, “but I have no doubt it will make this planet better.”

Posted on 2018-05-29
Tags: umismu

“Hello,” said Adrian, but Adrian was lying.

“My name is Adrian,” said Adrian, but Adrian was lying.

“Hold on while I fellate this 魔鬼,” announced Adrian.

Spaniard doing his thing

Posted on 2018-03-15
Tags: bgs

“Last time I ate there I went to Pret a Manger and there was a guy doing crack on the counter,” she said. “The manager tried to kick him out. He started yelling 'Fuck you! I work at Merrill Lynch!' and then a guy started beating another guy's head in in the train waiting room while his daughter was screaming. Police jumped over the walls and took 'em all away. It's basically Chunking Mansions but worse.”

Posted on 2018-02-07
Tags: umismu

#765710 is confidence-inspiring.

Posted on 2018-01-03
Tags: barks