Meet the weevils
Three weevils lived in a jar of flour: Jasper, the father; Marcy, the mother; and Darya, their devoted daughter.
Whenever the weevils needed anything from outside the jar, Darya would risk her life to procure it for them. On one occasion, Marcy, who had a penchant for the sap of a plant that grew at the far end of the humans' farm, was sobbing maniacally about her lack of sap, and generally behaving in a very passive-aggressive manner. Consequently, Darya found herself making the long journey to the plant.
On past procurement excursions, Darya had sometimes encountered boy weevils. Most of these were mentally ill, and had myriad other faults, but Darya had very low self-esteem, and agreed to all manner of trysts with remarkable facility.
On this day, she found herself being followed by two weevils, and she cherished the attention which they lavished upon her. They accompanied her all the way to the edge of the farm, where she tore a chunk of leaf to take back for her mother.
The return was slow, for now there was a physical burden, but Darya did not complain; she was happy to be able to serve her mother. She was also flattered that the two boy weevils appeared to be fighting over her, in a very passive-aggressive manner.
Then she saw him: a boy weevil, breathtaking in his magnificence. He was looking at her. He was walking toward her! She nearly swooned, and not in a very passive-aggressive manner.
« Do you need help with that? » he asked, eyeing the leaf chunk.
“Uh-huh,” she nodded vigorously. The other two weevils glanced at each other.
« Where are we going? » he inquired as he lifted part of the chunk.
“To the farmhouse there,” she replied, grinning like an idiot.
So they went on. Darya paid attention only to the new weevil, whose name was Guillermo, and ignored the other two, who fidgeted in a very passive-aggressive manner.
By the time they arrived at the farmhouse, one of the grumbling weevils had stalked off in disgust. The remaining three climbed into the flour jar, and Darya presented her mother with the leaf chunk.
Marcy proceeded to consume the entire chunk, all by herself, in a most nauseating fashion. Guillermo grimaced, and suddenly Marcy noticed him.
“Who is this?” she gasped?
« I'm Guillermo, » the poor boy responded, not able to predict the coming onslaught.
Marcy lumbered toward Guillermo and began to kiss and slobber all over him, in a most nauseating fashion.
« Uh, yes, nice to meet you too, » he whimpered, all the while dying inside.
“That's my dad,” Darya informed Guillermo. Jasper stood motionless to the side.
“Dad!” she yelled. Jasper started, and looked around as if he had just woken up. The other boy weevil skulked in the corner.
Marcy began to cry. Darya rushed to her side, shrieking, “Mom, what's wrong? What's wrong?” in a very sincere manner.
“Oh, nothing,” Marcy wailed. “I just wish I had some more sap.”
“I'll get you some more sap, mom,” Darya exclaimed earnestly.
“No, no,” Marcy sniffed. “You're tired and you should spend time with your new friend. I would go myself, if only I could. I don't need to be happy all the time.” She gazed into nothingness, vorlornly.
“Will you help me get another chunk?” Darya asked Guillermo.
« Um, okay, » he said slowly, and followed her out.
Marcy abruptly stopped crying. “Who are you?” she inquired of the remaining boy weevil.
When they were a safe distance from the flour jar, Guillermo said, « So why can't your mother go herself? »
“Oh,” replied Darya, “my parents have CFS.”
« What? »
“You know. CFS. CFIDS? Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?”
« Oh. That's a real disease? » he asked, incredulously.
“Oh, definitely. We get fen-phen from the human's medicine cabinet.”
« What? »
“You don't know fen-phen? Have you been living in a cave? It's fenfluramine and phentermine, and you take them for CFS. Everybody knows that.”
« Oh. »
“I hope I don't get CFS,” she announced.
« Uh, yeah, me too. »
So they trekked to the plant, and they trekked back. Marcy shoved the leaf into her gaping maw, and subjected Guillermo to more slobbering.
Darya took Guillermo to a slightly private place, and showed him some much more pleasant kissing than her mother was offering.
Time passed, and in between bouts of taggin' dat ass, Guillermo attempted to repair Darya's dysfunctional family. When that seemed fruitless, he tried to save her by taking her far away from them. That failed as well, for her sense of filial duty was insurmountable, and she did not believe that they should be forced to behave like real people or take responsibility for their lots in life.
One day, a frustrated Guillermo said, « I have an idea. I'll be right back. » He raced down to the floor of the kitchen, and was crushed by the farmer's boot. Soon everything was back to normal.