Third-party affirmative action

I have no good reason to participate in a system I believe to be so flawed it should be replaced entirely. However, I am still going to vote, and since people have already threatened to pay me to vote for Obama, I have concocted this little solicitation scheme to justify my trip to the polls.

I don't believe in the free market any more than I believe in the crap that is Keynesianism, so the following offsets will be subtracted from the final totals.

$0.00 Barr / Root
$0.00 Calero / Kennedy
$0.00 La Riva / Puryear
$0.00 McKinney / Clemente
$0.00 Nader / Gonzalez
$0.01 Obama / Biden
$1,000,001 McCain / Palin

Bribes will be kept anonymous, and should there be an inquest, I will deny all of this. Everything must be prepaid to count. Should there be any ties after the adjustments, decisions will be made through a game of mumblety-peg with an effeminate Texan.

Whining and FUD about how not voting for one of the two mainstream parties causes simultaneously global warming and the heat death of the universe will be met with the skepticism appropriate for the PR drivel paid for by those two parties.

If you want something inspirational instead, read John Goerzen.