Erinn writes of her trip to San Francisco, which gave me flashbacks of something that happened to me in San Francisco.

I was in a car, allegedly on my way to dinner. The driver abruptly put the car into park, leaped out of the vehicle, shouted that we should park the car, and sprinted into Herbivore. One of the passengers calmly got out, got into the driver's seat, drove car around the corner, and parked it. We all reconvened inside Herbivore, then left to go get dinner somewhere else.

I have left a few important details out of this story in order to foil poetry attempts.

!

From the streets of old Oz comes the keeper of britney
With demands for retraction and rhythm like Whitney

Perceiving a challenge he rose to the bait
And this brief but strange tale which I did recite
With interspersed rhymes did he variegate
Bypassing the foils of which I did write

The end of the poem is triumphant and haughty
The lyrical prince has been just a smidge naughty
To call me a name is the act of a churl
Amphibian? No.  Bitch, this frog is a squirrel

I was disappointed when I met Rick Cruz.

Epochs should be a mark of shame, like participating in planet memes or continuing to “maintain” a package after it has been NMU'd several times in a row.

« How goes the vampire hunting? » she asked.

« Exhausting, » he replied. « It's like I've been sent to the land of bitterness... from the bitterest city in America, to the bitterest country in the world, where no one seems to develop emotionally over the age of 13. They all think I'm chinese. »

Twice upon a time, there was a corporation called Company B. Ironically, their bugle player quit two days before the beginning of this story.

Two days after the bugle player quit, something sinister was happening at Company B. To better understand it, we need to go back in time a bit. So this next part happens well before the beginning of the story.

Once upon a time, Company B was run by a middle-management team known as Team Alfalfa. These guys were young and naïve and inexperienced, but idealistic and somewhat morally pure. They certainly didn't expect the bugle player to quit. They were surprised by almost every one of the things to come. When they hired a Belarussian, they were surprised when he quit shortly thereafter and moved to Hampshire County in Massachusetts. They were surprised when the owners of Company B hired Team Buckwheat.

Team Buckwheat was a group of power-hungry jerks, who were hired because they had Experience and Vision. Company B needed to grow, because Progress is important, and anyway, how else would the owners be able to bilk the company of millions of dollars through fraud and mismanagement if the company didn't grow big enough to amass millions of dollars in the first place?

The thirst for power was great within each member of Team Buckwheat, and they collectively vowed to take over the company. Through trickery and deceit, they sabotaged Team Alfalfa. Team Alfalfa mistakenly believed that its power hold was strong and that it could threaten to hold the company's business hostage, but it was very much mistaken. Slowly but surely, Team Buckwheat started to drive Team Alfalfa out of the company until only two members remained.

In fact, their lust was so great that they began vying for power amongst themselves before they had succeeded completely in their purge of the ranks of Team Alfalfa. They employed evil and complicated manipulations and machinations, until only two of them remained as well. As only two, they were much less powerful, and as they saw the danger and became afraid, they clung to one another and allied.

Losing faith in Team Buckwheat, the owners of Company B hired the Grey Knight to continue the work of rapidly growing the company in order to make enormous profits. The Grey Knight came in and exuded Calmness and Rationalness, and provided a stark contrast to the meanness and cruelty that Team Buckwheat inflicted upon its subordinates.

So some unlikely bedfellows among the grunts and peons formed an alliance, and with the reluctant aid of the Grey Knight, they had the remnants of Team Buckwheat fired based on flimsy pretexts, while the remnants of Team Alfalfa watched from the sidelines.

The peons and grunts were naïve and overly hopeful in the Grey Knight, who was not as noble as he seemed. After a few months of everything functioning better than it had ever done before, he brought in his friends, Team Corn. Team Corn was power-hungry as well, but more patient. Unlike Team Buckwheat, which had been cobbled together from strangers, Team Corn stuck together and moved from company to company, leaving waves of disgust and resentment in its wake.

These people immediately took steps to secure their power base. Where things had been transparent and group-oriented before, they were made obscure and individualized. Each project was assigned to a single person. All communication regarding each project was required to go directly and privately to the responsible person. Discussing a project with anyone else was a breach of protocol. If the responsible person fell sick or left the country for mysterious reasons, all activity on that project would cease. Accomplishments were discouraged, and simulating the appearance of much effort and progress was encouraged.

The members of Team Corn were stunted in their moral development. They believed that one was either with them or against them. Those who chose to be sycophants were given rewards and promotions, no matter how incompetent and unqualified they were. Those who did not were oppressed and punished. Objections and questions to ill-advised policies were met with hostility, and if anyone ever took a principled stand, Team Corn became fraught with confusion; they could not conceive of a reason one might act for the greater good or based on conscience rather than to do what would advance one's own interests.

After a very long time, this fundamental lack of comprehension of their own evil led to their downfall, but that small bit of justice was tempered when Team Durum came in to replace them. Team Durum wasn't as bad as Team Corn, but boy did it suck.

Andres, Ari really likes ping-pong balls.

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« Wow, » I said. « Do they really do that? »

« I don't know, » she replied, « but I really want to go to Hooters and tell them it's my birthday now. »

In the sack: Spruce. Some kind of conifer. No; sandalwood. Is it sandalwood?

Wet: Sandalwood. Some kind of wood, anyway. Probably wood.

Dry down: Sandalwood with an undertone of wet dog. How disturbing.

The touch: Okay.

The feel: Okay.

The magic of our lives: I don't know.

Final verdict: This is more difficult than being a pretentious wine taster.

In the sack: Talcum powder. No. Yes. No.

Wet: Cocoa butter and wet dog.

Dry down: Cocoa butter and vanilla.

The touch: Oily. Really oily.

The feel: A third of the way to channeling Tom Waits.

The magic of our lives: Moreso.

Final verdict: Maybe too oily. Not sure. Good thing this isn't final.

Peter: Sabena rocked. I'm bitter about that too.

Martin: Do I have a better chance of getting into Club Swiss Gold if I blog about how much Swissôtel sucks?

In the sack: A hippie store and sporadic clove.

Wet: The outside of the hippie store.

Dry down: Weak.

The touch: Oily and chunky.

The feel: Halfway to an outdated travel brochure.

The magic of our lives: Not there.

Final verdict: Too oily. Too inferior.

CAPPESANTE DEL NANTUCKET A ‘LIDO VENEZIANO
Marinated Nantucket bay scallops with Osetra caviar, lemon, chives and extra virgin olive oil
2003 Soave Classico, Leonildo Peropan, Veneto, Italia

PROSCIUTTO ‘LA QUERCIA’ CON BURRATA E PUREA DI DATTERI
Cured Berkshire pork with burrata cheese, date puree and wild arugula
2003 Chardonnay, Viberti, Piemonte, Italia

ARAGOSTA E PAGLIOLAIA CON PUREA DI FAGIOLI
Braised lobster and crisp dewlap with Umbrian white bean puree and spiced vinegar syrup
2004 Saint George-Moschofilero Rose, "Zoë!," Domaine Skouras, Argos, Greece

CANNELONI DI FAGIANO CON CASTAGNE
Handcrafted pasta filled with braised pheasant with Parmigiano Reggiano and toasted chestnuts.
2004 Charbono “Villa Andrianan-Napa Valley,” Summers Winery, Calistoga, California

TAGLIATA DI MANZO CON FEGATO ALLA GRIGLIA E BALSAMICO INVECCHIATO
Wood grilled prime strip steak with grilled calves liver, slow cooked cippolini onions, trumpet royale mushrooms and 50 year old balsamic vinegar
1999 Barolo, Vietti, Castiglione Falletto, Piemonte, Italia

SELEZIONE DI FORMAGGI
A selection of fine cheeses
10 Year Verdelho Madeira, Henriques & Henriques, Portugal

CREMA TIEPIDA DI CIOCCOLATO E CAFFE
Warm chocolate espresso cup with whipped cream and raisin pasticcini
2004 Dolce Stilnovo Rosso, Cantina Aurora, Piemonte, Italia

In the sack: Fruit roll-up hand cream.

Wet: Sweet strawberry candy. Not strawberry or sweet or candy though. But.. informer? boom boom? down? what?

Dry down: I couldn't care less.

The touch: On the cusp of being too oily.

The feel: Two-thirds of the way to Bill Withers on morphine.

The magic of our lives: In the same dimension.

Final verdict: This one's the best.

But today there is no day or night
Today there is no dark or light.
Today there is no black or white,
Only shades of græy.

Dear Geoff,

Hi there, thanks for the email...and although this seems ridiculous, I have a rule against dating Aquarians.

Nothing personal (I know, right, HOW can it not be personal?)

It's just that every Aquarian I've ever known cannot seem to handle deep emotional intimacy.

More thinkers, more logical than I tend to be.

I wish you well.

Zen rocks.

~Charlie.

When you are alleging that something has a citrus flavor, you should consider that peach, apple, guava, and pineapple may undermine your position.

Christine, reading only the first three Wheel of Time books seems like a pointless exercise in suffering.