Every year, at least one person asks me to run for DPL. I don't remember quite when this started, but it was more than five years ago.

I have some standard responses: I don't have time to do a good job, and why commit if you know you can't do a good job? That's just irresponsible. Usually I get some feeble relativism back for that one. Oddly enough, this is the one year that I could actually make the time for it, but it is still not a good idea.

Also I do not wish to self-nominate. I am told that everyone is too autistic to understand why, so I assume that by observing the timing of nominations (in specific, who stands at the beginning of the nomination period and who waits until close to the last minute), no moro-ethical conclusions will be drawn. To belabor this point: if the culture of self-nomination were fixed, I would actually nominate people I think would do a good job. At present, I cannot, and I resent that.

Furthermore, you do not really want me as DPL. There are oodles and oodles of things I think are fundamentally flawed and I would try to fix them. I would not take advice from predecessors because I think that only perpetuates years of flawed DPL behavior. I would not entertain requests in private because there is far, far, far too much backroom discussion right now, and unfortunately it is actively encouraged and promoted by many people in power. Such departures would be extremely unpopular.

I would be pleased if Stefano runs unopposed. I think that there is a good chance he will do a decent job.

With 9cdcabb0a7f7a38b8cd2292a48a98eb4eb5e458d, we are one step closer to having Lua dpkg bindings in the archive.

http://bugzilla.intellinuxwireless.org/show_bug.cgi?id=1585

Is it just me, or did Jeff Addiss just say, 「Fuck you dolphin, fuck you, whale.」 ?

When being told about the differences between Puppet and Chef by Puppet fans, a few common talking points emerged. They included the terms “DSL”, “declarative”, and “shell script”.

“Shell script” was probably the most entertaining meme, and referred to how, without dependencies, Chef was just like writing shell scripts in Ruby.

In actuality, a Chef cookbook appears to be roughly 17 files in 7 different directories. Most of them end in .rb, but there is also a metadata.json to keep the metadata.rb company, and perhaps an .rdoc if you like that sort of thing. I have no idea who writes shell scripts this way. I am also stupefied that people say this is easier than Puppet, because I doubt I would want to perform “system administration” by writing one of these things.

So when I started writing my own thing, I contemplated the dependency issue, and for a few minutes decided to be lazy and leave them out entirely. Once it dawned on me, however, that I was then writing shell scripts in Lua, I became ashamed.

If I were going to go that route, why not just set up a git repository with a bunch of shell scripts, and set up cronjobs on each of the clients to do a git pull and run these shell scripts as root? After all, nothing beats shell scripting for shell scripting, not Perl, not Python, not Ruby, and least of all Lua.

So I wrote a dependency resolver. It was easier than I had anticipated and I have vague plans to make it smarter than Puppet's. Then I'm justified in sticking to my Lua “DSL”.

Now Steve has a list of requirements that seem to be relatively mild. I think he could easily get away with a VCS-shellscript-cron setup. The VCS pull can be tunneled over ssh or stunnel or anything else which will provide authentication and encryption, so there is no need for a fancy custom server with its own certificate authority. In short, all the tools are there and you just need glue.

I will continue to pretend that I'll need more complex logic and power that only Lua can give me, so I'll end up doing VCS-Lua-cron until I change my mind.

I'm a notoriously late adopter of new technologies. Sure, if I think that something is potentially a good idea, I'll go for it, but for the most part, I assume that things are stupid. I refused to use the WWW for many years, thinking it was idiotic. Now I use the WWW. I find microblogging to be inane and narcissistic at best, but I have derived mild amusement from Shaq on Twitter. Microsoft Windows is something I thought would be ridiculously unsuccessful, because it didn't do anything I would find useful.

The list goes on and on, and includes something known in the popular vernacular as “configuration management”. I've been hearing about BladeLogic and Opsware for quite some time, and idly wondering who the incompetent fools are that need something like this. Back in my day we could manage 100 servers with relative ease; no centralized authentication (because it was a running argument about whether NIS sucked more than NIS+ or vice-versa), no cfengine, no prebuilt server images or any of that jazz. If, for some reason, we needed to make the same change to all servers at once, or some subset thereof, we would just script it.

So when one of my acquaintances started raving about Puppet, I assumed it was equally pointless. We'll call him Downs. Downs exhibits a pattern of behavior where he will rave about something for a few weeks, sometimes without having even tried it first, and then eventually become disillusioned with it and start ranting with the same fervor with which he had insisted that whatever fad of the week was the greatest thing ever.

It came as no surprise to me when he fell out of love with Puppet and started raving about how much better Chef is. In case you're wondering, he still has not tried Chef to this day.

Finally someone convinced me of the value of Puppet. I do not think it is the Way and the Light, but I do see a few situations wherein it makes sense to sacrifice efficiency, flexibility, sanity, and system resources to gain a way of building a near-identical machine from scratch. Now, beyond the flaws inherent to a solution like this, Puppet does have some annoying flaws which I find unnecessary, and which Downs ranted about back when I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.

I disregarded his alleged preference for Chef, but I have heard intelligent people extoll the virtues of Chef, and to a lesser extent Bcfg2. So I took a very brief look at each of those, and was pretty much horrified by what I found.

If I need something Puppet-like in the very near future, I will probably be choosing Puppet. I have no intention of running Puppet on machines I manage all by myself though.

For that eventuality I am NIHing something with what I consider a better design. The current code is published, but it does not do very much, and requires linking with libdpkg.a which does not exist in any package (but Guillem's working on that, I think).

I have no idea whether or not I'll have the motivation to finish it all by myself, but it is Free Software.

This post is intentionally weak on details, or “deets” as the kids call them.

YouTube rz1x5DYwn3U

I have an imaginary automobile. It is the finest hybrid of German and Japanese engineering. It has a peppy little engine and a turning radius so small it would make a baby camel cry, and a six-speed manual transmission, and it is powered by the urine of vegan bears.

My imaginary father asked me why I would possibly want to buy an imaginary car with a manual transmission. Obviously, whichever marketing campaign brainwashed him in the first place wasn't strong enough on the memetics, because after borrowing my imaginary car, he shut the hell up. You see, it's considerably more fun to drive than an automatic.

There are other benefits as well, of course. The primary one is that the transmission does what I want.

An automatic transmission is configured for maximum “comfort”, so it wastes a lot of power when shifting. With a manual, you can slip from gear to gear with minimal clutch time, or in some cases, if you're feeling sassy, without using the clutch at all. You can control your engine speed so that your shift will be just as smooth as an automatic without the egregiously long clutch disengagement or shift overlap. You also can see the road in front of you, so you're always going to be smarter than an automatic transmission, unless you don't understand how slopes work or what collisions with other cars mean to your well-being.

Now some NRA member is going to point out that you can get a shift kit and tweak your automatic to be less awful.

While spending money on this type of thing sounds like a great idea, a shift kit is not going to bring an automatic into the same league as my car. I can still start the car when the battery's dead. I can get higher fuel efficiency (vegan bears don't exactly urinate for free). I can shift into fifth gear, and coming from a full stop, drive up a hill without stalling (this is particularly useful when a squirrel has gnawed the teeth off of all your other gears). Furthermore, shift kit or not, an automatic is absolutely no fun.

Someday, when transmissions have advanced into the realm of liquid hyperspace buckminsterfullerene cones that commune with the unicorns, and they'll have cameras and radar feeding the car's computer with useful information about its surroundings so it can make intelligent shift decisions faster than a human. Then I'll have to choose between saner and more fun. That era has not yet arrived.

This is a lousy metaphor for debhelper.

Kumar brought in some daal roti. Amin announced that he was a gujju and a Patel. Alpesh glanced at him derisively, for he was the only other Indian. Harish told a story about the fishmonger, and Ankit launched into a tirade about his mother's chapati. That may have been all that happened, यार.

Lil is white trash. She does not live in a double-wide and make hot dog casserole, and in foreign lands she could easily pass, but she is white trash nonetheless.

Lyle is white trash. He does not buy potted meat or have a car up on blocks in his yard, but he is white trash nonetheless.

One day Lil and Lyle met, and something drew them together. Perhaps it was a disturbance in the philotic web, or maybe a magical Jungian archetype of a dirty rag as a gas cap that resonated in their minds, but whatever it was, they decided to keep in touch online and get to know each other better, with clear non-platonic overtones.

Lyle had a penchant for underdressed girls with a modest amount of tattooes and piercings and a full-on bent for drunken promiscuity. While Lil did not fit this stereotype well, she played up her sexual indiscriminateness and made up a few fetishes to impress him.

Lil needed a boy who would not judge her for all her faults and long history of poor decision-making. So Lyle pretended not to judge.

One-third deceit, one-third misinterpretation of Internet ambiguities, and one-third imagination led them to develop unrealistic perceptions of each other. Since they also had unrealistic perceptions of themselves, were fairly narcissistic, and were almost totally caught up in their own private melodramas, it took a while for the veil to come down.

Come down it did, like an avalanche of Kraft Dinner boxes falling off a Canadian supermarket shelf. Then they were angry. Then they were sad. Then they brushed on fresh new coats of self-delusion and heated up some chicken nuggets.