To the New-Hampshire-bound girl who first read The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe in the third grade: what is your name?

To the guy who had not “tooken the train” since he was a kid: you look slightly like Alan Alda.

To the woman who speaks eerily like Julia Child: get a new fashion consultant, or at least some inoffensive shorts. Or stop wearing shorts.

To the gaggle of fuckchimps wearing BLUE MAN GROUP stickers on their all-black clothing from the GAP: NO.

To the people exhaling marijuana smoke: get better weed.

To Citizens Bank: I hate you.

To Ari: I do not look less creepy.